Nostalgia

During the ample time I have while driving to work, my radio is always on, or my iPod. And sometimes, nostalgic songs play that reminds me of a particular emotion I felt before.

My emotions at certain moments in my life are remembered vividly with a song. That's how I associate my memorable emotions with songs that played during an event, or songs that just reminded me of something.

That late 90-s popular hit Mm-bop reminded me of my uni coursemate gang, particularly TJ because he said he loved that song. And it played when we were all in my Proton Wira on the way to class. I miss my gang. We'd walk to class together everyday, in the sun, in the rain without fail during our first semester. Seokshin, Sim, Kenny, TJ, Aiwah and me.

Then, there's Jars of Clay's Frail. A very soothing haunting lullaby that reminded me of the time I was infatuated with a Malay dude named Abang Asfia who later became my boyfriend of 2 months.

At that time, I was also reunited with a childhood friend, Daniel Jackson, who used to live next to me in Springs Garden Malacca, until I moved to Johor at the age of 7. I showed him my panties in his room one day. He loved cats, and would stuff as many kittens he can under his shirt. He once called the fire department to report a fire...for fun. That's my Daniel Jackson.

I found him on stage during a Music Fest in university, playing the drums, and boy was he good. He was also a very dark Indian, BIG, and had blood-shot eyes. I suspect he was on drugs. We chatted for 5 hours at night outside my KK5 block. He asked me if I would consider him if Abang and I are no longer together. I laughed. I can't remember what my answer was.

I never saw him after that. I heard he opened his own band.

Mariah Carey's songs were my favourite. She was hot at that time. I always listened to Close My Eyes when I'm lying on my upper deck bed in dorm, at bedtime.

I played the cassette tape on my Sony cassette tape player. If I turned to look out of my window, I'd always see Kenny and his roomate Jimmy's room. Our blocks face each other. I could also catch TJ sometimes, at his studydesk, wearing a hairband. He had thick black wavy hair. What an envy. He was my Hugh Grant.

Once he left me alone in the dark at a parking lot outside our faculty because he forgot something. It was after a gathering or some kind of meeting, and it was late. He was going to give me a lift back on his bike. It was a cool night. The tree rustled and the breeze swept through in the quiet distance. I stood there and waited. I wasn't scared, though I should've been. I felt safe and was on top of the world because I'd be one of the girl who once rode on TJ's bike.

Then, there's the magical Burn For You by John Farhnam. It played one rainy night, when Paul was lying on my bed asleep, in my room, in the rented double-storey house I shared with 4 guys and 3 other girls during our second year. That was the moment I thought ," This could be something".

Denniam was one of the guys in the house. Sweet gentleman he was. I remember his courage the most and I respect him for it. After I became single again, from the Abang, Denniam wrote me a note which I still keep now, along with many other memorable cards, notes, gifts, autographs etc.

"No matter where you are, what you do, remember that there's a silly guy who loves you"

One of the girls, Irene, is born a nurse. She actually woke me up every 4 hours at night to feed me my antibiotics when I was hit by high fever. I don't know where she is now.

And I will never forget George Michael's rendition of I Can't Make You Love Me. And many of his romantic jazzy songs. YJ and Season was the two most sensitive emotional guys I almost went out with. Throughout my first year, YJ was my emotional whore. Our confidante friendship started on the phone. We'd chat for 4 to 5 hours through the night and it wasn't tiring. It was comfortable. I met him in person for the first time during a get-together where all his friends made fun of the situation and made me guess who the secret caller is. He looked kind. He wasn't the tall dark handsome hunk, but he could communicate. He bought me sparkling diamond pendant, which I don't know if it's real.

I don't know where the pendant is today. He is a doctor now and I attended his wedding about a year ago, and sometimes I still bump into him and his wife in town.

Season was a determined and intense person. We'd listen to new age songs in his Kancil and imagine running through a forest. Very Enigma. He loved arts, drama fashion and music. I remember Chris Isaac's Wicked Games. He picked me some wild flowers and hung them at my doorknob as a surprise. One day, he came by the house and ran up to my room, to find Paul sitting on my floor with his foot stretched out smelling of medicated ointment. I never saw him again.

Some years back, I came across some news of a drama play that he was in. In that play, he man-handled a very pretty actress/model. Recently, I chanced upon his blog. He still look the same. Very arty-farty, more groomed.

Many were sceptical about Paul. He looked like he was going to break my heart in pieces. Everyone was waiting for him to make a mistake.

I saw something else. He is a good man. Kind, responsible, honest and hard-working. He loved me.

I got myself into some trouble tonight
Guess Im just feeling blue
Its been so long since Ive seen your face
This distance between me and you

That voice you showed me is not the one I know
I must be strung out on what I do
Dont hang up again
Theres nothing else I know how to do

But I burn for you
What am I going to do
I burn for you
Burn for you

I guess it feels like youre always alone
And I feel that way too
Its so hard to explain to you
Please understand what I do

But I burn for you
What am I going to do
I burn for you
Burn for you

Took my trouble to a bar tonight
For another point of view
But theres nothing new
Im missing you

But I burn for you
What am I going to do
I burn for you
Burn for you

I stroked his hair and wondered where I'd be in a decade...